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| I think I've been more interested in drinking lately because I like feeling that way and it's better than the alternative of sitting on the bathroom floor in a ball with the door locked trying to tear through my leg with a razor (totally over that fucking dumb shit). Stupid. I know. Although half the time I just end up laying in my bed floating on a sea of drunkenness thinking of Kylie and how much I wish she were here, and also how my husband is probably mad at me now. If you can't please yourself you can't please anyone else.
I've got this huge huge urge to be accepted into something and wanted and loved. You know those people who walk into a room everyone gets happy because they are there. How do I even do this? I try really hard.
Well I have nothing to do, so I'll probably just go sit on my couch and think of things that I don't have the guts to do.
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| Is there any body out there?
where the fuck are you?
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| I woke up that morning and painted a purse, because that's what were were so into doing. The new Louis Vuitton.
We went to pick you up and I was singing Tilly and the Wall as we walked to your door
You were on the computer when we came in.
You wore your hair in braids.
Wearing the white shirt with Rainbows on it.
Your sweet mother, laying on the couch. Wrapped in a blanket.
Can you come out? Of course.
We went to IHOP. Sidney had a coupon.
Called Matthew, he was busy.
It would just be the three of us that day.
We went to our booth and you smoked a ciggarette.
You had pancakes.
Too many?
Take them home.
We talked about how you were leaving the next day for Florida.
You said how you didnt want to go, and you didn't want to leave us.
SHE called.
SHE met us at IHOP.
SHE needs to find a way to get high.
We decided on going bowling.
We needed socks, we never wore socks.
We stood outside IHOP
Talked about where to go.
I put my head on your shoulder.
You were going to ride with HER.
Stop at Walmart.
I bought a grey hoodie that we were going to paint on.
SHE bought a can of duster.
What's that for?
SHE laughs.
On the way out you had said about the can,
"I dont do that shit".
I was proud.
Meet you at the bowling alley?
Follow us?
Driving down Dressler.
"What is SHE doing"?
I look over and see HER driving around us.
Too fast.
Hitting orange barrels.
"Oh my god. Oh my god."
Going over the curb and into a tree.
This can't be happening. Not now. Not here. Not to us.
We ran over to the car.
My face in my hands. Whispering your name.
I cried. I was crying.
You were thrown over the back seat.
SHE was lying into the wheel.
Blood pouring down HER forehead.
You looked like yourself. I heard you breathing, didn't I?
"She's choking."
"Don't touch her."
I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted to talk to you.
Sidney called your mom.
I cried more.
I sat on the hill. SHE sat next to me.
"What happened?"
"I dont know."
I wanted to shake her, I wanted to kill her.
I put my arm around her shoulders.
Gave the police our statement
As they took you away in a red ambulance.
Called my dad crying.
We went to the hospital.
"Code blue"
Is that you?
Talking to your mom
Talking to police
Talking to myself.
"Like sisters, I bet."
Praying
Praying.
Bargaining.
Little chance you would make it.
You were gone.
Everything collapsed. |
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| white white walls
and hospitals
all of us feel trivial
paper thin, tentative and weighted.
oh my god that brings me back
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